Your Career and Family Gave You Purpose—Now What?
Most of us don’t realize how much our job defines us—until it’s gone.
For decades, work gave us a built-in sense of purpose and identity. We wake up every morning knowing what we need to do and who we are in the world.
But retirement changes that. Suddenly, no one hands us a to-do list, and the question “What do you do?” becomes harder to answer.
Before retirement, we are too busy living life—growing a career, raising a family, and responsibilities. We didn’t have time to think much about our purpose in life or identity. But in retirement, that question comes to the forefront.
Most people answer with their job when asked who they are or what they do. I’d typically respond, “I’m an attorney,” “I’m a chaplain,” or whatever job I had at the time. What I did gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I remember the first time someone asked, “What do you do?” after I retired. I paused, then stumbled over my words. “Well, I used to be an attorney…” It felt strange. That title had always been my shortcut answer, but now it didn’t fit.
Retirement Forces You to Confront a New Question: Who Am I?
But when you retire, this question comes to the forefront. Most of us are not comfortable with just filling up our time before we die.
We still want to have a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives as well. Some people have this figured out before they retire, but most don’t.
The Retirement Coaching Trend—Does It Really Help?
It can smooth a transition to retirement if you’ve thought in advance about purpose and identity in retirement. Instead of focusing on what we’re retiring from (our job), we focus on what we’re retiring to.
There’s a trend for former financial advisors to become retirement coaches. They, more than anyone, realize that retirement planning in the past has been primarily financial planning. They’ve seen clients with great financial plans who have gone into retirement and been completely unprepared psychologically or mentally for retirement.
As they retire from their financial management jobs, they become retirement coaches and help people think about what they want to do and what sort of purpose and identity they want to have in retirement.
Why a Retirement Plan Isn’t a Set-and-Forget Blueprint
However, they often approach retirement like they would a financial plan. Many retirement coaches treat retirement preparation like financial planning: structured, goal-oriented, and rigid. They map out a plan and expect retirees to follow it step by step.
But retirement often doesn’t work that way. What seems like a good plan on paper may feel completely different once you’re living it.
Instead of helping clients to anticipate change and adjust their plans when they retire, they expect clients to follow their pre-retirement plan to the letter after they retire. But transitioning to retirement isn’t like forming a financial plan.
Expect Change: Your Retirement Plans Will Evolve
Instead of trying to plan every detail in advance, approach retirement like an experiment. It’s a good idea to prepare as best you can for retirement, but don’t expect things to go as planned before you retire.
Retirement isn’t always what you think it will be like. And once you’ve tried it on for size, you may find it’s very different than you imagined.
“The reality of retirement is often very different from expectations. Even people who’ve planned for years say they had no idea what it would really be like.”
Not Fade Away: How to Thrive in Retirement by Celia Dodd
Even though you thought you had it figured out, things can change. Maybe what you thought would give you a sense of purpose doesn’t. In that case, you need to do some deep soul-searching.
Try different things. See what sticks. Give yourself permission to change course as you go.
Experiment and determine what works and doesn’t work for you. It will likely take some time to discover what gives you a sense of purpose and identity.
Give Yourself Grace: Purpose and Identity Takes Time to Rebuild
It’s typical for people to experience a period of uncertainty and uncomfortableness after they retire. With a lost job, we experience a loss of purpose, identity, and also social connections. That can feel extremely uncomfortable and unsettling, but it’s also pretty standard.
“The latest research suggests that the best way to cope with retirement is to treat it as a major life transition.”
Not Fade Away: How to Thrive in Retirement by Celia Dodd
Give yourself the time to ask those deep questions. Go on a retreat or do whatever it is that gets you away from your usual setting and really think through some of these issues.
Retirement isn’t about having it all figured out from day one. It’s about discovering who you are without the title, paycheck, or routine. And that takes time.
The key is to stay open, stay curious, and trust that purpose will find you again—if you’re willing to look for it. Don’t beat yourself up while you work through this transition.
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