Rethinking Kindness: Actions vs. Thoughts
We often emphasize kindness in our interactions with others, but how often do we extend that same grace to ourselves? The truth is, many of us are far kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
Several days ago, I read a quote by well-known author James Clear, which caught my attention. Clear wrote, “Being kind to others is mostly about your actions. Being kind to yourself is mostly about your thoughts.” 3-2-1 Thursday, October 17, 2024.
I never thought of it this way.
Kindness in Action: How We Show It to Others
Kindness toward others is almost always demonstrated through our actions toward them.
We open the door for someone entering a building, say a kind word to a retail worker, offer a genuine compliment, or help someone pick up items they’ve dropped. It’s usually things we do for other people that show our kindness.
Kindness in Thought: How We Show It to Ourselves
On the other hand, our kindness (or lack of it) toward ourselves is almost always reflected in our thoughts about ourselves.
I’m sorry to say that we’re most often unkind to ourselves in our thoughts. I don’t know what it is about humans, but we are harsh and unfair to ourselves, treating ourselves worse than anyone else would.
I’ve caught myself being my harshest critic more times than I’d like to admit—judging myself for every little mistake, questioning my worth, and sometimes thinking things about myself that I’d never dream of saying to someone else.
We judge ourselves more harshly than others would. We draw unjustified conclusions about ourselves. If we make a mistake, we don’t just say, “I made a mistake.” We conclude, “I’m a failure. I’m a loser. I can’t do anything right.” We call ourselves names like stupid, loser, failure, etc.
Breaking the Cycle: Steps to Cultivate Self-Kindness
So, how do we break the cycle and show ourselves the kindness we deserve? It starts with a shift in mindset.
1. Give ourselves a break. An excellent place to start would be to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. Instead of jumping to negative conclusions about ourselves, we could treat ourselves gently.
2. Recognize that making a mistake doesn’t define us. Making a mistake doesn’t mean that’s who we are. We can admit we made a mistake, learn from it, and move on, intending to improve next time.
3. Recognize and celebrate our successes. Not just the big accomplishments, but the little ones as well. This gives us a sense of momentum as we acknowledge our progress. We recognize that we do some things right.
4. Treat ourselves as we hope others will treat us. If other people treated us the way we treat ourselves, we’d probably be upset and offended. So, let’s treat ourselves as we’d want others to treat us.
Pause and Reflect: Offer Yourself the Kindness You Deserve
It’s time to break the cycle of unkind thoughts we direct to ourselves.
The next time you’re tempted to be your own worst critic, pause and ask yourself, ‘How would I respond if I were talking to a friend?’ After all, you deserve the same kindness you offer others.